John 19:35 “The man who saw it has given testimony, and his testimony is true. He knows that he tells the truth, and he testifies so that you also may believe.”
I felt an overwhelming conviction from God to tell my testimony of a day when I was homeless and hopeless. Throughout my journey in life, I have gone through many battles as any other person. But this day in my life as I reflect on it now was the changing point of my outlook on life.
I grew up in church my whole life but went to church more to please my mom. I never truly allowed myself to have a real genuine relationship with God. I knew that he was real, I was able to see his manifestation for many years growing up in church, but I was still so blind to what a real true relationship with God meant.
As the years continued, I went through many ups and downs mainly with my mom. It came to a point in life where I found myself homeless. I was only 17 years old. I woke up one day and I was told to get out of the house not knowing that that was the last day that I would be living there. Because I wasn’t aware that it was my last day living there, I only took a purse filled with two pairs of underwear, a pair of socks, a shirt, and some leggings. The next day I tried to come home and I wasn’t allowed. I was told that for me to grab the items that belong to me I had to go to the police station and bring a cop with me, then I could grab my items which were already in trash bags. At this time I was so very confused because I was being kicked out of my house for a situation that had nothing to do with me.
So you can imagine how a 17-year-old teenager felt knowing that I no longer had a stable environment. And to take it a step further, that was the point in my life when I realized I didn’t have a mom because she told me she regretted the day she gave birth to me. Lost and confused, I brought all of my items to my friend’s house but I knew that the situation was only temporary because her mom was a severe alcoholic. She hated staying at her mom’s house as well so we left all of our items at her mom’s house as her boyfriend was a heavy drug user and made us feel uncomfortable.
We grabbed a couple of items and slept over at her friends’ house in another town. As we stayed there for the weekend we returned to her mom’s house only to realize she had been evicted from the house and the landlord threw away all of our items. I now only had the clothes in my purse and the clothes on my back. I no longer had any belongings. My identity as I knew it was stripped away from me. My friend and I had nowhere to go so we ended up staying at her friend’s house in a different town we previously stayed at.
I found myself severely depressed and extremely anxious with no hope for the future. Life as I had known it was completely gone. I was now living with strangers in an environment that felt uncomfortable as the owner of my friend’s house was also a drug user and her husband was an alcoholic. I felt so out of place at that time I started smoking cigarettes, smoking weed, drinking during the day, and at times using other drugs.
One day I was sitting outside on the porch, I had just finished smoking weed, I was currently smoking a cigarette, with a beer in my hand as well. A lady walked up The stairs as we were on the third floor and as she was about to walk into the house she looked at me, stared, and gave me a little smirk. I thought in my head who is this lady. She went inside the house and she was giving a Bible study to the owner of the house. I thought wow I had no idea she knew about God or that got existed.
As I went inside to grab another beer, the lady looked at me again and started to tell me that God loves me. That he sees all the pain that I am going through and just wants to heal me. She kept repeating to me how much God loved me. I couldn’t quite bring myself to believe her because I was just thinking about everything that I had gone through and the only thing that was going through my head was that this lady was a liar.
I kept thinking to myself how could God love somebody like me. Someone who is currently high and drinking. How could he allow me to go through so many things in life? I couldn’t understand how God was real and how he allowed me to go through so much pain. That’s all this is going through my head. I am overall thinking in my head that this lady is a liar.
Then she says “I know you think I’m a liar. I know you think that God isn’t real. I know you blame everything that you went through on God but he is stopping by today to let you know that he loves you. ” At that moment I Instantly felt sober. I thought ”how could she know I was calling her a liar?” “wow, God really must be real” I don’t know how to explain it but it was almost as if I didn’t drink two beers as if I hadn’t smoked weed, my body just felt completely sober.
That day I broke down. I felt rejected because the person that was supposed to love me the most, which was the person who brought me into this world, told me that they wish they had never given birth to me. And I also spelled rejected from God because I thought how could he let me go through this. Then out of nowhere while I am in my deepest and darkest place of life he showed up in the form of a woman to simply tell me that he loves me.
So much happened after that day but what I can tell you is today I am healed. Like truly healed from the inside out. To the point where I can tell this testimony and not cry because of how hurt I am. For years I hadn’t talked about it, and for years even when I did talk about it, I cried because I was still so hurt. But I surrendered my life to God and he has healed me.
I have forgiven those who have hurt me the most and today I am filled with love and joy. I never thought that I would be able to love Because who loves after they have been rejected Right? But God did it. He did it to me and he will do it to you.
I am not sure of your circumstances right now. Maybe you are the woman that I was. The woman needed to forgive herself and others for hurting her. Maybe life has taken a left turn and you knew God but have drifted away because of life circumstances. Maybe you feel empty inside and you have tried to fill the void with many different things and still haven’t found an answer. Just as he reminded me that day That I was in the middle of my hurt, in the middle of my mess, in the middle of the craziest time in my life I will tell you today.
GOD LOVES YOU and it truly, truly does not matter where you are in life. He is ready to heal and love you just as long as you decide to allow him to.